Lost Wisdom of Solomon

Title: The Lost Wisdom of Solomon
Author: Shadrach Evans
Overview: Consistent with the written works attributed to King Solomon in Old Testament biblical canon, the wisdom recorded herein may very well be Solomon's fourth compendium of prudent exhortation. According to Jewish tradition, these four books reflect different stages of Solomon's life: youthful passion (Song of Songs), mature wisdom (Proverbs), reflective introspection (Ecclesiastes), and early onset senile dementia (Lost Wisdom).
Word Count: 65,457
Pages: 201 (6"x9")
Target Audience: People who like to read the Bible, particularly those who can appreciate the humor in it
Genre: Fiction/Humor/Christianity
Comparative Analysis: Proverbs (Mishlei), Ecclesiastes (Kohelet), Song of Solomon (Shir Hashirim)
Synopsis:
Once upon a time there was a wise Israelite who spoke many parables and proverbs and who rode into Jerusalem upon a mule and presented himself as king. That man was Solomon, son of David, who lived nearly a thousand years before Jesus. According to the Old Testament, King Solomon spoke 3,000 proverbs. The Bible contains less than half of this material. Herein, you will find more of Solomon's proverbs and wise sayings, for centuries hidden from the general population. Should biblical scholars ever come together over a few stiff drinks, they just might agree that the contents of this book may be deemed tantamount to holy scripture. Until then, it is just an agglomeration of passages that sound dogmatic and may ostensibly be ascribed to one of the wisest figures in human history. Let the reader be forewarned: Wisdom does not appeal to everyone and seldom is its delivery ingratiating. Although eloquent in any language, it can reveal the philistine heart that encumbers the soul of even the most virtuous seeker.
Extract: (First 50 or so passages...)
¹ Morsels of wisdom from the son of David, king of Israel. Taste them, savor them, digest them, and fertilize your garden with them. To sit in the presence of the king and learn from his instruction is an invaluable opportunity. The fool attends only for complimentary raisin cakes. Regardless, or irregardless, let wisdom be freely shared with all.
² There is no one who seeks counsel from the Lord (Hebrew, Adonai), not one. Except for me, of course, but that just goes without saying.
³ The beginning of wisdom is this: First, obtain wisdom.
⁴ Let wisdom be impressed upon your heart by the Spirit of God, and engraved upon your chest with a chisel, and branded upon your thigh with a hot iron, and carved into your forehead with a piece of sharp flint, and singed into your eyes with fiery coals, and hung around your neck as a millstone, and dropped atop your head like an anvil, that you forget her not.
⁵ My son, listen to the voice of reason, specifically my voice of reason. Allow me to speak wisdom into your heart. Lend me an attentive ear and hear the sound reasoning of wisdom. Yes, though my words be of a redundant nature, I talk of wisdom, which is worth repeating, and iterating, and reiterating.
⁶ Seek the LORD for wisdom, and he will bestow wisdom liberally. Ask, and it shall be given sevenfold. You will be soaked in wisdom, and she will saturate your pores, and scrub your mind, and scour your soul, and you will be washed anew, and people will know when they are in your presence that you have been cleansed with wisdom. Wisdom, in turn, will need to take a bath of her own.
⁷ Wealth and riches are vanity. It is all meaningless, a useless chasing after the wind. However, it is unlikely the person of but average means will ever attain a stance in life where this will appertain. They will just have to take my word for it.
⁸ There is nothing new under the sun™ including the international trademark I own on this slogan. Use it wisely.
⁹ There is nothing new under the sun. Of the totality of man's clever inventions, all require God's created resources and must comply with his laws of nature. Mankind's motives for innovation remain unchanged. All is vanity, a useless harnessing of the wind, and of the sun, and of the currents. Would that someone invent a cure for the common cold. Instead, we have but one kind of spoon with over ten thousand varieties of handle.
¹⁰ My son, focus your adolescent desires on acquiring knowledge and understanding. Lock yourself in your study chamber and dedicate your prepubescent years to meditating upon the laws, statutes, commands, covenants, precepts, and decrees of Moses, the man of God. Castrate your carnal lusts and become a eunuch in service to wisdom. Concern yourself not with young women and their wanton frivolities, which will lead you down a dark path to disease and death. Remember, herpes is eternal. Thus concludes our talk about the birds and the bees.
¹¹ Rumors are akin to a plague. Like leprosy, they spread nothing but degradation and shame. Speaking of which, word has it that Jeroboam son of Nebat the Ephraimite has a touch of it. He keeps it well hidden, yet it is contagious nonetheless. But keep this to yourself. Or not.
¹² A bitter wife can soon be replaced with one who has a much more favorable attitude.
¹³ Stiff-necked descendants of Abraham, why do you continue to anger the Lord your God who brought your ancestors out of slavery in Egypt, delivered them safely unto the land promised to your forefathers, and helped them to conquer its inhabitants in order to take possession of it? Even now, many generations removed, I overhear some who bitterly complain how it would have been better had they remained in Egypt to die than to be brought here to stub their toe, or bite the inside of their cheek, or trip on an uneven crack in the road, or get stung by a bee, or spill a smidgen of oil, or run out of hummus on the Sabbath. Alas, would it truly be better were you taken into captivity and enslaved by your enemies than to accidentally shut your finger in the hinge of a door? You are Israelites, forget I asked.
¹⁴ Much food and wine may bring temporary comfort, but tomorrow brings new miseries. A heart filled with wisdom enthroned upon an empty stomach is better than an empty heart reclining upon a stomach full of choice food. Try explaining that to someone who is starving. Then you shall be wise indeed.
¹⁵ Roasted dates with figs and honey are better than a handful of camel dung. Am I right? To wish in one hand and defecate in the other is as a level balancing of the scale. Am I wrong?
¹⁶ The pursuit of happiness and fulfillment is, in and of itself, a useless chasing after the wind. Or something like that. Maybe it is like staring into the sun, or swimming against the current, or somersaulting uphill. Whatever.
¹⁷ The sun rises and sets on both the good and the wicked. The rains fall on the righteous and the evil alike. Sheol devours all with impartiality. Not sure where this is going. I think life may be meaningless. Let me get back to this one later.
¹⁸ Laugh not at the misfortune of another, lest in doing so you inhale some saliva, and are brought down to the grave in shame by choking upon your own spit. Thus would be your comeuppance, and the last laugh would surely not be yours.
¹⁹ Many disapproving mothers-in-law are like unto a span of braying hinnies. Better to be jabbed repeatedly in the inner ears with fiery hot pokers, or better to have ravenous magpies peck out your entrails, or better to consume rusty nails and broken potsherds, or better to adorn your head with a hornet’s nest, or better to jump into the Euphrates with a millstone tied around your neck, or better to be buried in Abaddon. Need I say more? No, it is rhetorical.
²⁰ A prophet who does not speak the truth is like a bird without wings. Which would make him a kiwi, I presume.
²¹ Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
²² You have heard the oft-repeated adage, "When life presents you with lemons, in turn make lemonade." Not so, for this requires the addition of much sweetener, with which anything can be swallowed, including sour grapes. Instead I say, when life gives you lemons, use them for which they were intended: grate some zest on your feces before you eat it and die. Life is meaningless.
²³ Over there in the shadows of the evening sun she hides; in a cool breeze she whispers. She examines you from afar; she spies on you from the rooftops. When the hairs tingle on the back of your neck and you have the eerie sense that someone is watching you, then you know that wisdom lurks.
²⁴ This I have observed, that people are generally self-absorbed; so much so that they seem egotistical, apathetic, lazy, inconsiderate, evil, and – worst of all — stupid. Although there is beauty in humanity, it is in the design, not the demeanor. By what virtue does one manage to survive and not of calamity kill himself, or become victim of homicide by those beleaguered with his narcissistic carelessness? The LORD has surely dedicated much of his heavenly host to protecting his children from themselves. No wonder a third of the angels rebelled.
²⁵ There is nothing new under the sun. This includes flow charts. My son, learn to interpret these mysterious diagrams. Not that they may be of benefit to you, but that you are not caught scratching your head with a blank look on your face when presented with one. A wise man nods and makes gestures of concurrence as he follows the logical course of the functional process outlined. A fool crosses his eyes and bangs his head repeatedly with an iron skillet.
²⁶ There is no more grandeur than that of the Queen of Sheba. Yet even her splendor pales in comparison to that of the majesty of the lilies of the field, or the kaleidoscope of resplendence upon the wings of a butterfly, or the exalted nobility of the birds of the air. Inform her not that I say this. For she is jealous, that one. Yes, even of birds, and weeds, and creeping things.
²⁷ To be rich or poor is of little concern. What matters most in life is contentment and peace. (More of a theory, actually.)
²⁸ Here is a saying worthy of saying: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. This has meaning of many facets:

A falcon on the hand will bring two game birds from the bush.
Better to have one of something than two of nothing.
Better to have a lesser, more certain advantage than merely the possibility of a greater one which may come to naught.
Better to have little in life than to risk too much and lose everything.
Better is the sight of the eyes than the cravings of a wandering appetite.
Better to be satisfied with what you have than to always be in want of something else.
Better one hand with tranquility than two hands with toil.

Here is another like unto it: A live dog is better off than a dead lion. Now, do not expect me to have to explain everything to you. Figure it out for yourself.
²⁹ Children are a blessing from the Lord. Except for my son Assehole. His shall forever be a name of scorn.
³⁰ Convivial minutiae with regards to Melchizedek, the first high priest of God Most High (Hebrew, El Elyon):

He was also the first president of the Salem Rotary Club and the Salem Kiwanis Club, sat on the board of directors for the International Lions Club, served as a Worshipful Master of the local Masonic Lodge, was a member of the original League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and regularly judged pie baking contests at several county fairs.

He liked to hand out giant novelty checks to winners of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

He wore a robe made of peacock feathers, coveted highly by Bera king of Sodom, who himself wore a less noble robe of emu feathers.

In his younger years, he tended a flock of velociraptors, which taste much like chicken. His favorite breakfast was scrambled velociraptor eggs with a side of giraffe sausage.

Although a daughter of Anak, his wife was a dwarf. His nickname for her was Fun Size. All but one of their children were of average height. His daughter, Gladys-Baal, stood over seven feet tall.
He was a descendent of Job, on his mother's side, from Job's second family, of course. (Rumor has it that he was also a descendent of Noah's son Shem, but neither Elihoreph or Ahijah the scribes, nor Jehoshaphat the recorder, could confirm this.)

He had a tattoo of a seraphim on his left calf and a tattoo of a cherubim on his right calf.

He carried a lucky monkey's paw, which was grafted onto a parrot that perched atop his shoulder.

He not only presented Abram with bread and wine after his victory over Chedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goiim, Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar, but also blessed him with toasted marshmallows over an open fire.

Abram not only tithed to him a tenth of his plunder, but also anointed him and his entire family with circumcision.

His name, Malki Zedek, means "the king of righteousness." He did not prefer his name be foreshortened to just Malki or Zedek, though some who were close affectionately referred to him as Kizeeeee.

Legend holds that he was born of a virgin and was taken by the archangel Gabriel to the Garden of Eden. Another myth claims he was without father, or mother, or genealogy, and was instead a manifestation of God Almighty (Hebrew, El Shaddai). In actuality, he was born of a gypsy nomad and traveled around in a wagon selling tonics and elixirs while performing feats of magic, until he arrived in Salem, where its inhabitants crowned him the first Wizard Deluxe.

He was an Imperial Potentate for the Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine. He also suggested shortening the name to just "Shriners."

He initiated a practice of writing parables in the sand. He wrote many books in this manner, none of which survived.

He established an eternal priesthood with an emphasis on sinlessness and sacrificial martyrdom. It was a very exclusive club with divinely privileged membership.

³¹ Blessed is the man gifted with the ability to interpret dreams, or foreign tongues, or parables, or to raise the dead to life again, or to prophesy future events, or to see visions, or to avoid in-laws during times of extended visits. Each has their merits, but eagerly desire the last.
³² There is nothing new under the sun. Except that new patch of sunspots on the king's left hand. Speaking of which, the washing of hands is recommended as a regular hygienic activity, yet not too often, as though to appear obsessive, but at least after the touching of something germy. Carry a tincture of grain alcohol to disinfect your hands when clean water or a clean towel are not available, such as after an exchange of sandals over a real estate deal.
³³ My daughters, seldom do I address you. Such is the task of your mothers and maidservants. Heed my command and marry not into foreign tribes, neither fornicate with them, nor eat food sacrificed to their idols, nor worship their false gods. That is all. Good luck.
³⁴ What gives you the right to complain? Consider Job, who was a righteous man in the eyes of the Lord. Even so, he was stripped of everything he possessed, including his family. He was afflicted with painful sores from head to toe and subjected to friends who forced him to doubt himself and question God. The Lord then chastised him from out of the storm and caused him to repent with trembling and humility. If you then, of less standing than Job, still feel your gripe to be justified, then go and take a census of all the disgruntled people within the city limits. Deliver your census, written on papyrus, along with an animal from among your flock — a male without blemish — to the temple, and there present your gift to the priest, who will use the census to light the fire to burn the sacrifice on your behalf, while you pray to the Lord for forgiveness for yourself and everyone else who is so grievously mistaken. Geez, Louise.
³⁵ A fool says to himself, "I am not a fool." He then trips on his cloak and falls end over end down a flight of stairs, landing headlong into a heap of putrid refuse. Slapstick is his downfall.
³⁶ My children, a bedtime story: In the beginning, God created man and woman and told them to multiply and fill the earth, to which they were obedient. They and their descendants created many a brood, and they and their descendants dutifully birthed offspring like there was no tomorrow. One day, the human population exceeded the capacity of the earth to support them, and all natural resources became completely consumed and depleted. Nothing was left but babies and their poop. Nothing, that is, except babies, their poop, swarms of poop-eating locusts, hordes of baby-eating rats, and plagues of rat-eating bacteria. Goodnight.
³⁷ The LORD will smite his enemies with all manner of painful sores: blistering boils; gangrenous leprosy; festering lesions; hemorrhaging wounds; scarring acne; prickling dermatitis; inflamed cellulitis; scalding burns; virulent poxes; bacterial infections; bulging cysts; arthritic gout; genital syphilis; unsightly psoriasis; burning shingles; monstrous warts. Then, to add insult to injury, he shall send a swarm of gnats to hover overhead, just out of reach.
³⁸ Cursed is the man who chases after the wind. It is a meaningless chasing of the wind. Where is my eraser? I set it down here just a moment ago. If it were not needed, then it would be in plain sight. Alas, it now exists in the region where everything that is immediately essential resides: my eternal blind spot. Dadgummit.
³⁹ Do not muzzle the ox whilst it treads out the grain, lest it become fretful, and collude with other oxen, and they in turn form a labor union, and attempt to collectively bargain their demands, and threaten to refrain from treading out the grain until those demands be met, and go on strike for perceived unfair labor practices. Then you will be forced into the unpleasant position of having to decide between negotiations with the oxen for treading out the grain, or harnessing the wild donkey to finish treading out the grain, whilst the oxen protest in solidarity.
⁴⁰ Meaningless, meaningless. Life is meaningless. A meaningless chasing after the wind. 'Tis better to be lain in the grave and rest with your ancestors than to struggle in vain trying to release this insulin syringe from its sealed package.
⁴¹ I said to myself, "Come, now, I will attend the civic lounge and make mirth with an upright entertainer of jocularity." But there was nothing uproarious, nay, hilarious about his material, which was less than insightful. I said to myself, "Laughter at these jokes is madness, and remaining here accomplishes nothing. It is pointless." So I set my mind to mastering comedy: "Give a sexually deprived man five minutes and he will take three." Tough crowd. Bear with me, I am just getting started.
⁴² My son, pick not your nose until it bleeds, but dislodge only what is sufficient to breathe. Blessed is the man who is able to take breath through both nostrils simultaneously, for indeed it is a luxury.
⁴³ My son, be not slack of jaw with your mouth agape as a dying carp. Pay heed to your surroundings. Be not like the fool, who talks while walking backward, only to turn and collide face to face with others. Be not like the simpleton, who carries on a conversation in the middle of an entryway where many come and go. Be not like the imbecile, who blocks an entire aisle at the marketplace to retrieve a sample. These should not leave their homes, but remain inside. However, a lack of sense on their part brings them out in public. They are mouth breathers. Their only contribution to society is to consume, and excrete waste, and suck up all the breathable air in the process. They are naught but meat with a potato lodged in their skull, akin to stew. Like the poor, they will be with us always.
⁴⁴ Do not enlist the aid of demons, whether in spheres of their expertise or for heavy lifting, for they are cunning and seek only for ways in which to deceive and ensnare you. Even the king's signet ring is powerless in these matters. Dark magic is of no force against unclean spirits, for it is the pit of demons from which dark magic originates. Even the weightiest of soothsaying has no power over evil, be it Alakazam, Abracadabra, Hocus Pocus, Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Ho, or Frimmin at the Jim-Jam Frippin in the Krotz! However, a thick gooey substance made from ground peanuts, along with the incantation, "Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches!" does keep them pre-occupied when overtly pesky or bothersome.
⁴⁵ My son, if at first you do not achieve success, then recurrently try over and again, at least until you tire of attempting in vain and give up. It is preferable to quit than to ultimately fail. If you quit, you may then give the excuse that it was a futile venture, vexed from the beginning. And rightly so. But if you fail, then others can say that you are stupid. And they would probably be just as right, if not more so.
⁴⁶ Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Mourn, and it will weep for you. Shart your undergarments, and it will point and jeer at you, as well it should. It does not matter if it was an accident. Always go to the bathroom before leaving the house to sojourn in public. And always wear clean undergarments, but nothing woven of a blended fiber, for this is forbidden, as well you should know.
⁴⁷ Cursed is the camel driver who cuts you off on the eastbound corridor between the Ashdad junction and the Jericho turnpike. A thorough tongue lashing is in order, accompanied with a variety of hand gestures: but only that which is sufficient unto the offense, lest you lose control of your own beast of burden and topple into a ditch. A fool who reproaches a fool and ends up in a ditch is no better than the camel of the inconsiderate driver. No offense to camels.
⁴⁸ Blessed is he who does not resist the discipline of the Lord, but who accepts the Lord's rebuke with humbleness of heart. He shall surely not be set aflame and catapulted afar off.
⁴⁹ Children should be seen and not heard. Unless they are reciting the Laws of Moses, or prophesying, or have been ordered to conceal themselves so that the grown-ups may enjoy adult time without children warning them of being in violation of the Laws of Moses, or prophesying doom and gloom and thus placing a damper upon the party. The words of the LORD are eternal. As such, there is occasion when they can wait until the morrow. Unless it regards an immediate life or death situation, which children often make it out to be.
⁵⁰ Blessed is the man with many wives and at least as many concubines, if not more. Yes, the more the merrier.
⁵¹ Cursed is the man with too many wives. Too numerous to count, and the names of which escape him. The horror. The horror.

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