Morsels of Rehoboam

(Circa 913 B.C.)

Father, I shall live by the wisdom you have handed down to me. Better yet, I shall integrate it with my own sagacious insight, and the prudence of my trusted council, that the nation of Israel may ever prosper and forever be united.

The man who walks alone is lonely. He who surrounds himself with friends will never be dismayed. Yes, friends of his own age and mindset. Not of generations past, who are dying and forgotten. Friends will be there for you at all times, always loyal and trustworthy. Listen to their advice and heed their discernment. Who can go wrong by relying on their counsel? They only serve to advance your own objectives.

The old king commended loyalty. The new king commands blind obedience. The old king was presented with gifts. The new king demands to be showered with riches. The old king placed a yoke upon his people. The new king will crush his subjects under his thumb. The old king scourged with whips. The new king will whip with scorpions. The old king allowed singing and dancing in the workplace. The new king will allow singing and dancing in the workplace, as long as the singing and dancing are related to the task at hand.

There are those who do not live by wisdom. We shall call them Gentiles. Their knowledge is as their uncircumcised loins, for it is capped by the foreskin of ignorance.

There is nothing wrong with being second in command, except that subordinates will dislike you even more than the commander in chief. Maintaining a well-groomed beard should boost the collective confidence.

Make a clear example of those who fall short of expectations or fail to follow established protocols. Letting people off the hook sets a precedence for disobedience, in which case only chaos and death will ensue. And no one likes to hear, "I told you so." Instead, just point and laugh sarcastically.

When the attitudes of others defy common sense and fly in the face of sound reason, do not resort to a rage-fueled bout of profanity. Instead, calmly lower your head and observe a moment of silence as your respect for them passes away into the great beyond. Let morons be dead to you.

Value diversity, but require everyone to dress the same to promote unity.

Drink plenty of water. Studies from the Tigris-Euphrates Hydro Research Center in Honor of The Goddess Tefnut claim the average person should drink between 8 and 18 cups of clean water daily, while slaves should be allowed to drink up to 3 cups a day, whether it is bath water, irrigation runoff, or dirty toilet water. Their kidneys will filter out most of the impurities and their stomach will vomit out harmful bacteria. Remaining well hydrated maintains glistening skin, whereas dehydration leads to tongue seizures and dry-heaving of pores.

When people of like mind work together, evil transpires. Group dissimilar coworkers, no matter how poorly they get along. Everyone will come out equally, even if it is on bottom.

An obedient child avoids the rod of justice. He brings honor to his father's name and peace to his mother's breasts. He shall rejoice, while the brother of iniquity is castigated; for it is he who furrows his father's brow and burdens his mother's breasts, which are weighted down in sorrow and encumbered with distress. Her husband will not look upon her when she is under such strain. Therefore, ween the unruly child and throw him over the wall of the city, that wild dogs may adopt him, and the father may again cast an eye towards the bride of his youth.

No one is above reproach, not even the king, but only a prophet would dare rebuke the king. Prophets are accustomed to being persecuted for being outspoken. Though they claim their words come from God, it is difficult to know whether or not they understood the message fully. Therefore, torment them until the message is clear.

Make servants and hired workers feel useful and important by continuously requesting that they work after hours, on weekends, and holidays. If they resist, then strongly insist. Only force them with threat of punishment or loss of employment as a last resort. A worker who feels their services are indispensable is more reliable than one who toils begrudgingly. The former will thank you for the extra work, while the latter will mock you behind your back and intentionally over-starch your linens, making them stiff and rigid.

Sandwich all criticism with a compliment. When you chastise someone, follow it with something positive, then complete it by reiterating the distasteful behavior you want changed. For example:

"Batya, you stink."
"There, there, no need to cry. I appreciate that you are sensitive about your faults."
"Now go, and employ basic hygiene you filthy, wretched shebeast."

The slave is subject to the master's whims. The master shall say to the slave, "Bring me a cup of wine," and the slave will dutifully obey. The master shall say to the slave, "Now bring me choice food," and the slave will retrieve without haste. The master shall say to the slave, "Prop up my feet with a pillow," and the slave will comply without complaint. The master shall say to the slave, "Now read me a story," to which the slave will immediately fall upon his master's sword, because he was never taught to read, for he is a slave.

Reward desired behavior with a food pellet until the reward for desired behavior becomes the behavior in and of itself. If anyone complains about the quality of the food pellet, then whip them mercilessly. If that fails to cease the griping, then hand them over to medical students to be crudely dissected and incorrectly labeled.

Maintain a young, energetic work force, which will surely inspire the quota of elderly and minority hires.

Kittens are potentially fatal to one's health. Their saliva may cause leprosy to human skin and their dander can suffocate the largest of men. To be safe, keep them bound in a burlap sack under water. For those to whom kittens pose no threat, you will surely seal your fate by allowing them to exist inside your home and grow into cats, which spend their lives sleeping and plotting your demise.

It is not enough that you tell servants to wash their hands after using the restroom, or demonstrate every so often how to properly wash hands, or even to provide mandatory annual in-service training on hand washing and its benefits. You must assign a bathroom buddy to each and every employee who will accompany one another to the lavatory and ensure hands are thoroughly washed and the appropriate verification forms are filled out and signed by all parties present. Be sure to wash hands after signing documents, before returning to work. There is no telling where that stylus has been.

What binds us all together in the unity of the human race are unseen bacteria, mites, and the air we breathe; including farts, which bond with red blood cells after entering through tiny blood vessels in the lungs.

Follow your dreams and work to make them come true, unless of course you dream about arriving late and naked to your final exams at an institution of higher learning without having studied, or of being chased by lions ridden by baboons wearing purple capes, or of mating with your sister.

A smile is worth a thousand pardons. Always maintain a smile on your face. The average brain might be uneasy due to occasional creepiness, but you cannot argue with someone who is giving you a creepy smile.

Greet one another with a kiss on the cheek. Once the formality has been obliged, then back off. For those who do not understand or respect personal boundaries, a punch in the nose is awaiting them just around the corner. If they were not standing so close, they would see it coming.

The mantis said to the centipede, "Come, and I will teach you wisdom." The centipede followed and the mantis ate him. The moth saw this and inquired of the mantis, "How was the centipede to learn if the path he was to follow led to death?" The mantis replied, "Write down what you have seen, that future generations may learn from it." When the moth had written down the lesson, the mantis ate him too, then took the scroll and hid it away in a cave. One day a bird captured the mantis and flew it back to its nest. Before feeding it to its young, the mantis said to the bird, "I can show you where wisdom is hidden, if you spare my life." At this point in King Solomon's story, I was always sound asleep.

Should communications break down and negotiations result in fisticuffs, then make it clear to all involved that the loser is in the wrong and must relent their viewpoint. Those in the right get to keep as a solemn reminder any body part that broke loose.

No tolerance for coffee moochers. All who participate in the communal coffee pot must contribute financially. Second time guests are considered freeloaders. Violators must be punished by physical torture. Those who leave the coffee pot empty more than once should be treated the same as moochers. Dual offenders qualify for capital punishment, as these types generally break any and all rules without a conscience. A special tribunal appointed by the king is reserved for judgments of this nature.

Grief counseling should be provided to staff, accompanied by a third world child playing a sad melody on a stringed instrument. No tragedy is too minor. If requested, grief counseling may include the presence of a comfort animal, particularly one trained to play a stringed instrument.

Freely distribute propaganda throughout the community. Utilize vivid colors and simple, direct slogans. Successful regimes have proven propaganda to be highly effective in motivating the populace to do whatever is in the best interest of the state, which is the common interest of each and every comrade of the state. A picture of the fearless leader of the people is worth a thousand words, most of which are positive.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach; stabbing into the sternum is not as easy as stabbing up through the diaphragm.

He who is browbeaten into submission by his wife is of no use to anyone else. She continually berates him in the marketplace and slaps him along side the head at every turn. In time he becomes a balding, nervous wreck and in the end she gets what she deserves.

Avoid the devil, the dark overlord of organized labor and the Prince of Collective Bargaining who can only be appeased with sacrificial union dues. Cry out to the Lord of Hosts and repent, you who gather together to intentionally refrain from work in order to make a statement of protest against unfair labor practices. Return to your toil without further grievance. Go back to your arduous task. Continue drudging away at your back-breaking travail and double your efforts. Now, whistle while you work.

No one likes a know-it-all, except when their ass is on the line. Only offer your keen insight and superior expertise as a last resort when others plead with you in desperation for the answers they never cared for before.

The pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
The optimist sees the glass as half full.
The transcendentalist sees the glass as half there.
The nihilist sees the glass as meaningless and nonexistent.
The drunkard sees two glasses and tries to pour one into the other.
The blind man feels the glass as half wet.
The dishonest money lender sees the glass as full.
The fool knocks the glass over and leaves the mess for someone else to clean up.
The realist sees the glass as rhetorical perspective.
The wise man drinks and is content.

Laugh much and laugh often. Medical research from the Imhotep Institute has shown that laughter reduces stress hormones and increases adrenalin and endorphins (biological pain relievers). So the next time a neighbor confronts you with a grievance, laugh in their face.

It matters not if you pick your nose or scratch the crevice of your haunches, so long as it is done with the weaker hand, which is then used to shake the hands of infidels.

Want comes from having. The man who has plenty wants more, while he who has nothing is fortunate to merely desire naught but the crumbs that fall from the table of the prosperous. But give not of charity, lest he who is without then wants more and thus becomes progressively more dissatisfied. Happy is he who has nothing.

Award special stickers to individuals who display extraordinary abilities, qualities, or characteristics. Should they possess wisdom and find no value in a special sticker, then award them with verbal praise. If they are wiser still and find praise to be void of substance, then reward them with a pat on the back. If again they are able to see through such an empty gesture, then award them with a nicely framed certificate of appreciation, or achievement, or honorary mention, that they can proudly hang on their wall. No one can resist a framed certificate.

Diarrhea is a slippery slope to be avoided; he who flatulates liquid must at all times be wary. A little rectal pressure or a slight gurgling of the bowels may lead to dire consequences. Likewise, a loose tongue results in diarrhea of the mouth.

To promote wellness, advocate substitution of an unhealthy choice for a healthy choice. For example:

Choose to speak courteously rather than rudely.
Choose to walk instead of riding a beast.
Choose to eat kosher foods rather than unclean foods.
Choose to climb a hill instead of taking the stairs.
Choose to start a new job rather than struggle with the same old senseless, dead end shit day in and day out until you want to kill everyone including yourself.
Choose to go to bed early rather than stay up late.
Choose to smile instead of frown.
Choose to focus on a positive thought rather than a negative one.

Out in the open wisdom calls aloud, she raises her voice in the public square; on top of the wall she cries out, at the city gate she makes her speech; but in the public library she whispers softly, so as not to disturb those already seeking her.

Nothing tells a worker of their value and worth like telling them they are valued and worthwhile. Modern studies of the labor force find that though they may not be able to live off of their wages, they do thrive on compliments.

Ambition comes from deep within one's self, where aspirations are born and incubated, until they manifest as vocations. Otherwise, there is a void that is filled with junk food and leisurely games, which manifests as poop and unemployment.

No one is above the most menial of tasks, including scraping up roadkill. Everyone must pitch in where needed and do their part for the betterment of society. On that note, help stop the propagation of human hybrid bunny babies, whose carcasses line the streets outside the city gates. Even the lepers despise these atrocities.

Patience is a virtue, along with cleanliness, frugality, industriousness, moderation, orderliness, obedience, punctuality, restraint, silence, and sobriety. Be steadfast in your diligent reminders of these merits to others. Toughness is also a virtue, which must be employed liberally with valueless degenerates. Among them predominantly are children.

Although hypnosis may be considered by some to border on dark magic, the results cannot be refuted. Servants under hypnosis out-perform their peers by 3,000%. That is, of course, unless they have been made to believe they are a chicken.

If I speak volumes to a dullard, but do not connect with his base desires, I am wasting my time. He will learn nothing of history, or of alchemy, or of nature, or of physical laws, or of literature, or of fine arts. All that matters to him is drinking and carousing. Therefore, I must make my words simple and colorful, mixing in crass synonyms and boorish allegories. But in all my own erudition, am I any more edified than he? For I would much rather prefer to see him drawn and quartered than to waste a single breath more in a vain attempt to impart wisdom on so dense a mind. What good does it do? Why do I not just leave him alone? Is it simply because I call him "father-in-law" and am forced to sit in his awkward presence on occasion?

Make all progress reports positive, no matter how awful the employee is. For example, instead of, "Fivel is a lazy sloth that should be speared out of a tree," say instead, "Fivel has the potential to flourish, if tranquilized and relocated to a more conducive environment."

At the end of the day, gather everyone together for a moment to reflect, laugh, and break out in song. Reminisce about the day's adventures and the mysteries that were solved.

If you love someone then set them free, unless they are a slave. Brand all human property with your insignia.

Do not be wise in your own eyes; make sure those around you nod and approve of your wisdom. A woman who is into the demeanor of your wisdom will bring health to your body and nourishment to your loins. Let wisdom ejaculate forth liberally to those who open themselves to it.

Do not allow boredom in the workplace. For those who claim to be bored or appear to not be doing anything productive, let them job shadow someone who is busy, regardless of protests that it will actually hinder progress. Those who only pretend to be busy should be made supervisors. Yes, and those who claim to be too busy to be bothered, let them sit in the seat of management.

When in doubt, remain silent. When silent, ponder the unknown. Only when certain that you possess the correct answer should you speak openly. Therefore, the wise man never speaks.

Do not interrogate personnel. Only ask non-incriminating questions. For example:

Ask, "How are you doing today?" Do not ask, "Are you stoned?"
Ask, "Why are you late today?" Do not ask, "Are you still drunk?"
Ask, "What did you bring for lunch today?" Do not ask, "Did you steal my lunch?"
Ask, "Are you feeling alright?" Do not ask, "Who gave you the black eye, your spouse?"
Ask, "Do you need a few extra shekels?" Do not ask, "Did you steal my coin purse?"
Ask, "Is that report ready?" Do not ask, "Are you browsing Egyptian porn?"
Ask, "Are you satisfied with your job?" Do not ask, "Did you crap on my desk?"

Form a wellness committee to spearhead such group activities as weight management, exercise, stress reduction, alternative lifestyle awareness, and saw blade safety. Host potlucks, seminars, fun runs, and log cutting contests.

To know understanding is to understand knowing. Likewise, cognizance of consciousness is consciousness of cognizance. The man who looks within is the man who sees beyond. He who asks of himself for truth is guided to seek truth from others, and collectively they will submit to God for verity of fact. If, however, God does not answer, then man is left to his own devices and may continue to seek outwardly. Such is the origin of Baal, and of Asherah, and of Dagon, and of Osiris, and of Marduk, and of Chemosh, and of Moloch. The answers we seek may not be a result of the questions we need to ask. Therefore, inquire of the Lord, and if he strikes you with dementia, only then do you have reason to boil your children and fornicate with animals.

Man cannot live on bread alone. Is he also not sustained by good conversation? A hearty meal combined with an earnest discussion fills the body with nutrients and nourishes the soul. It is better to eat alone than to break bread with a fool. Better still to starve than to nurse at the breast of ineptitude. Many are they who, like suckling pigs, clamor over one another to feed at the teats of folly, for she is a bloated sow with many nipples.

The simplest answer is often the best - yea or nay - followed by a brief explanation, if requested. For example: "No, you cannot have a divorce. Why? Because we promised to be miserable all the days of our lives together." End a protracted discussion with a diversion: "Now summon your maidservant for I wish to take a bath."

Many private institutions, particularly those that reek from mildew and other natural odors, do not allow the use of incense, perfumes, oils, or scented candles due to a minority of staff who suffer from allergies to fabricated fragrances. To remedy this, consume large amounts of yogurt, onions, lentils, broccoli, and asparagus. Eventually those whiny, finicky bastards will relocate.

How long will you lie there, you dawdler? When will you get up from your sleep? A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest — and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man. Now you have pissed the bed. What do you have to say for yourself?

Ergonomics is an important aspect to health and productivity. For those without the budget for expensively trendy office furniture, follow these important ergonomic tips:

Sit upright upon your milk crate or dried mud block.
Stack clay writing tablets to elevate to eye level.
Use both hands to write ledgers, alternating throughout the day and night.
Stand periodically to stretch and empty urine cup.
Do not fall asleep in a hunched position.
If you drop something, kick it towards a coworker and have them pick it up for you.
Soak aching feet in puddle on the floor from a leaky ceiling.
Keep pain relievers in close proximity to prevent muscle strain from over-reaching. Remember, the worst back injuries result from the simplest of movements.
When pregnant, crawl on all fours.
Alleviate visual stress by rolling eyes every so often and glaring at boss.

When the chips are down, it is good to gather everyone into a huddle and give them a pep talk about how wonderful they are, regardless of how poorly they have performed. Do not bother answering questions at this time, as most will undoubtedly want to know what is really going on and how it will affect them. Let the pink slip delivered in the coming days do the talking.

A failed attempt at humor is the sound of crickets chirping in the distance. Laugh not at your own jokes if no one else is laughing, nor try to explain the punchline. An overly offensive joke may result in a swarm of locusts devouring your crops, so always be wary of your audience.

The wise king assembled his children around the throne and said unto them, "Guide the people by law, subdue them by punishment; they may shun crime, but will be void of shame. Guide them by example, subdue them by courtesy; they will learn shame, and come to be good." The heir to the throne replied, "But trip and fall down a flight of stairs in their presence and it will no longer matter, for they will only remember folly." The king, of course, was well pleased with this response.

Do not discriminate against redheads, nor let them sense fright from looking upon their bleached skin. Customarily, they are a temperamental people and may be easily incited to anger, whereupon they will cast unholy blemishes, or "freckles," upon your soul. Some have also been known to transform into clowns and devour the flesh of children. Most are orphans, conceived by menstruating vampires, and deserving of pity.

A fire cannot be started from a wet log, nor can a house be built upon a foundation of swamp grass. But a goat can sing a lullaby. The point is, not every story has a moral, nor every moral a story.

Invite subordinates into the decision making process and value input from everyone, regardless of how stupid it may sound. If someone's ideas were particularly helpful, then pin a button to their lapel that reads "My opinion matters!" If anyone's feedback is half-baked, then politely ignore them. Should their insipid yammering prove vexing, then tack a dunce cap to their scalp and shove them in a corner. After a period of shame, discharge them from humiliation and allow them back into the fray, letting them think they are once again an integral part of the decision making process, albeit a silent one.

Staff who manage to remain employed while continuing to be absent after exhausting all leave should be encouraged to seek a position in Human Resources. Who better to manage the system than those who know how to manipulate it?

If a servant habitually exhibits traits of poor hygiene, then treat them as handicapped by providing special accommodations, such as a Designated Unisex Mobile Personnel Sanitation Temporary Exile Room.

Some people are "functioning" drug addicts. For those who have managed to successfully evade sobriety, but of whom you still remain strongly suspicious, bring them to light by:

Testing a sample of their liver you secretly biopsied while they were asleep on the job.
Getting them to classically deny they have a problem when confronted.
Enabling their addiction until they overdose.
Having them perform a stressful task, such as open heart surgery during an emergency situation.
Luring them into a tiger pit or bear trap with drug paraphernalia.
Inviting them out to lunch and seeing if they guide you to a liquor store or a dark alley.
Staging a mock intervention with family and friends.
Letting wild animals loose inside the office to see if they try to pass it off as their impaired imagination.
Wearing sun glasses and claiming to be temporarily blind, accompanied by a drug dog disguised as a service animal.
Making them paranoid by pretending to spot DEA agents hiding everywhere.
Making them paranoid by pretending to act just like them.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, or so the saying goes. For those who consistently complain, use a grease gun to give them a mouthful of demulcent STFU lubricant.

King Solomon was indulged by the Queen of Sheba, who showered him with an abundance of gold, precious stones, and copious amounts of spice. King Rehoboam, on the other hand, is disturbed by a drag queen impersonating the Queen of Sheba, accompanied by a host of dancing midgets costumed as exotic birds, and force-fed salted snacks of goat rinds, puffed lentils, and unleavened pretzels. For all intents and purposes, the royal rumpus is apparently over.

Promote a zero-tolerance sexual harassment workplace: free from lewd conduct, coarse joking, unsolicited advances, provocative dress, gender prejudice, chauvinism, pornography, vulgar gestures, physical threats, indecent remarks, voyeurism, peeping, molestation, public displays of affection, or lascivious conduct. Masturbation is okay, as long as it is performed silently in private, wearing protective gear, cleaned up promptly, and disposed of in a red biohazard bag.

To be allowed pets at work, or not to be allowed pets at work? That is the question. The answer, of course, is no. Exceptions include: service animals, injured dogs, small dogs, medium dogs, dogs wearing a costume, dogs wearing a cute outfit, dogs wearing a hand-crafted sweater, stray dogs, dogs of friends or visitors, and dogs recovering from spay or neutering.

Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. I give you sound learning, so do not forsake my teaching. For I too was a son to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother. Then he taught me, and he said to me, "Man the fuck up."

Acquire the use of helper monkeys to assist with menial tasks, such as peeling off dead skin, feeding the baby, or scolding an insubordinate servant. They also come in handy with cleaning delicate parts of the body, especially when smeared with some banana.

Do not just feign interest in another's circumstance. When you ask, "How are you doing?" be prepared to stay and listen to their response, whether good or bad, no matter how long it takes. If bad, offer condolences, sympathy, empathy, or even assistance. Assure them they will be in your thoughts and prayers throughout the day. Better yet, do not even ask them how they are doing in the first place. If merely an acquaintance or passerby, it is really none of your business anyway.

If a servant is continuously late to work, shows signs of paranoia, exhibits strange behavior, and is mouthy or unruly, then assume they are being probed by space entities late at night and suggest they seek medical assistance to have the implant removed from their rectum.

A sober tongue is a mighty weapon. A wise tongue establishes diplomacy. A drunken tongue leads to self destruction. A glib tongue is the downfall of a fool. A tongue burned with horseradish requires a spoonful of olive oil or a glass of goat's milk. A tongue stuck out at the king is quickly slain with the sword and kept in a clay jar on his nightstand.

The use of training collars is a practice found throughout the universe in advanced civilizations. Here on this planet, we only use them for training dogs, which is one reason why we progress at such a slow rate.

My beloved is like a kumquat tree, bearing two small citrus fruits side by side; smooth, golden, aromatic, supple. Her nectarines are exceedingly delightful -- not like her mother, who bears the overripe fruit of an aging banana tree which was harvested many seasons past, and whose maidservants clean as though waxing canoes; the analogies of which are as far reaching as her decadent fruit is to the floor. I must avert my gaze, for they are beckoning to me like two whiskered sea lions, bobbing to and fro. My beloved calls out to me, she summons for me, for apparently I am ruminating aloud for all to hear, and the banana monger is none too amused.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is a somewhat ambiguous recommendation, since there are those with uncommon proclivities, desires that transcend good taste, and deep, dark fantasies that should never be realized. However, it is a good suggestion for the average person to live by.

Use a calm, soothing voice to settle down a raving lunatic. If you are a Bene Gesserit Reverend Mother, or even an advanced acolyte of the Sisterhood who has undergone the spice agony, then use the Voice to control their behavior.

Never advocate suicide as a solution to anyone's overwhelming problems. However, committing suicide is not a feat of engineering. Simply fashion a rope, tie one end to something sturdy, wrap the other end around your neck a couple times, and lean forward on your knees allowing the weight of your body to cut off circulation to the brain. Stay away from poisons, razors, heights, and swords. Statistically, most people survive these kinds of attempts to go on living a life of regret and misery, which is not good for depression. Assisted suicide, or "Death with Dignity," can be costly and requires too much paperwork.

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. Lest you not understand, I speak of your wife. May your fountain be blessed, and may it never run dry, nor freeze over, nor become a swamp.

Now listen to sound reasoning. Do not squander what little resources you have. Invest and save. Compound interest is your best friend. In the long run you will be better off. In the meantime you will starve to the point of death. There will come a day when you will look back and laugh while you drink a toast to your wealth. You will drink the finest of wines and laugh at your suffering. That is, of course, if you are still alive.

Avoid displaying motivational posters. If you cannot incite others to work to their full potential simply by your own example, then they are hopeless underachievers and you will end up doing their work for them. These people must be eliminated from society. In turn, you may have to work overtime to help fulfill this objective.

Everyone deserves a second chance, with the exception of werewolves. There are no options of restitution other than a silver blade to the heart. Manimals are not to be trusted, either - not even those who claim to assist the authorities in solving crimes.

At some point in a person's life, they should no longer have birthdays. Life is no longer worth celebrating. That age is forty.

Never be ashamed to ask for assistance from a subordinate. If you do not have the answer for a particular question, just say you do not know. Always accept responsibility for your own mistakes and own the blame when it is clearly yours. This will almost certainly guarantee you will never be considered for an administrative position over others, if that is not what you want. Yours will be a life of subsisting quietly in other people's shadows.

Now hearken unto my sound reasoning. You will learn more from a wise man who passes gas than from a fool who speaks volumes. When King Solomon farted, everyone drew closer. Be quiet and smell the wisdom.

Infants who scream without cessation are troubling to their guardians. Lend counsel to distressed parents, such as, "Children are a blessing from the Lord," or "Repent of your sins and surely God will heal your children," or "Try feeding them someone else's breast milk - truly yours is sour," or "This is just a phase - worry not, for it will last but a few months," or "This must be the result of the sins of your forefathers so do not blame yourself," or "At least it is healthy and not stillborn." Let your sound advice be a relief to their jangled nerves.

Refrain from participating in gossip and do not start or perpetuate any rumors. That is, of course, unless:

It is all true.
It will assuredly get you ahead in life.
It is about Jeroboam son of Nebat.
The voices inside your head threaten to make you kill the individual unless you speak ill of them instead. But do not speak back to them aloud.

As a general rule, outer garments should be made of wool. On the other hand, undergarments (any article of clothing in direct contact with the skin) may be cloth woven from flax. Wool and linens are not to be mixed, except for tassels on a prayer shawl. Tzitzits affixed to the bare nipples of a woman's breasts and twirled around in circles are a sexy abomination.

Animal hair may be used to make a coat and fur may be used to construct a blanket. It is amusing for some to wear a furry costume and congregate with other furries in an entertaining fashion. If mistaken by a hunter as an actual animal and slain, the hunter will not be held liable for killing a furry in the wild. He may not, however, consume of the meat of the slaughtered furry. Should a furry be slain indoors or on private property, the accused hunter will be charged with murder and will have to pay each of the beneficiarires of the deceased a retribution carcass of the animal portrayed by the furry. The bereaved of the deceased must then fashion the pelt of the wild animal into a furry costume of their own to be worn at the memorial service for the deceased.

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise, you who are lackadaisical! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. Nor does it wear sandals, but if it did, they would surely be comfortable. Always wear footwear that is agreeable. Remember, form over fashion.

Try to resolve problems at the lowest possible level. If a mediator is required, then locate an individual impartial to either party. Should anyone's honor be insulted, then a duel shall be instigated with a slap to the face, to commence with weapons at dawn. If conventional weapons are unavailable, then sharp pointy sticks will be substituted. If one party sleeps in, then the other party may poke them awake with their stick, granted the poking is not fatal.

With many wives come many mothers-in-law,
the scowls of whom are immeasurable;
They join to form one tremendous frown
of glowering disapproval.

When you come to a fork in the road, carefully consider your options. One way may lead to death, the other to life. Keep on the path of righteousness and you will prosper. Veer towards the path of sin and it will end in destruction. Do not hesitate to ask for directions, unless it is from someone squatting in the brush. No one likes to be interrupted while squatting in the brush, only to be asked for directions. Especially when it can wait.

Optimism may be attributed in no large part to naivety,
which can be likened to celery.
Pessimism may tend to lean towards skepticism,
which can be analogous to rhubarb.
The wise man remains impartial,
prepared with cream cheese and pie fixins' for both.

There are two types of people: those who do stupid things and those who do stupid things, but as a result become angry with themselves and the world around them. The former realize it is stupid to get upset and just shrug it off. The latter are just angry to begin with and become bitterly disappointed every time stupidity prevails. Then there are those who are too stupid to realize the stupidity of their actions, which would then make a third type of person, if you care to include them in the running for humanity.

When all hope is gone, there is still hope.
Like soap on a rope.
When all soap is gone, there is still rope,
from which to hang more soap.

Sometimes finding oneself is a lifelong journey. Allow people to be who they are, whether or not they know who or what they are. But if they choose to be a douchebag, then treat them as such. And everyone wants to be a comedian, but only the fool tries to make a living at it. Even if he succeeds, he is then only a professional fool.

How to thwart unwelcome immigration:

  1. Circumcision.
  2. Forcible adherence to the thousands of laws of Moses.
  3. Absolutely no bacon.
Problem solved.

Lust is the worst of temptations;
All-consuming lust for flesh, for conquest, for power.
As equally compelling is the allure of a puppy;
To allow it to lick one's face.
Even worse is a kitten;
For just as sin leads to death,
so, too, kitten saliva.

By their distorted nature, fetishes are unhealthy, a sign of mental sickness and depravity. Unwholesome desires lead to moral decay. The inexplicable attraction to an armpit, for example: a flocculent, perspiring, malodorous axilla - particularly that of a woman well advanced in years - exuding a pungent effluvium unlike that of any organic matter, alive or dead. Yet the acrid crevasse that drips with the dew of redolence elicits a yearning, a craving, an arousal from deep within - a primal, animalistic appetite for the matronly cavity of seduction lying above the fatted ribcage and below the underarm flab... Grandmother, forgive me.

Gird your body with armor and you will be less likely to perish in battle. Slather you body with oil and you will not soon ba taken down. This is not to be supplanted with lotion or cream or ointment or salve or liniment or balm. Lard - perhaps, unless you are fighting cannibals.

How can the majority of a population be in the right, while the minority of that same population be in the wrong? Should it not stand to reason that the weight of the majority would tip the scales below average intelligence? That being the case, then the minority would have the upper hand, heedless of the collective desires of the majority, and the lesser would wield power over the greater, regardless of majority rule. Therefore, the fewer would hold sway over the masses, all the while making them believe they are in control. And although the majority would cry out in a louder, more unified voice, the silent minority would secretly make the rules that govern them. This can only lead to one conclusion: Death to domesticated house cats. Selah

You are never too old if you are young at heart. You will never be unhappy if you take joy in the welfare of others. You will never be poor if you give what matters most. You will never truly laugh, unless you slap your knee and guffaw.

How to ferret out a true prophet:

  1. Round up all known prophets, even those who have forecasted the weather.
  2. Throw them all in a pit together.
  3. Set the pit on fire.
  4. Retrieve those remaining alive and unscathed.
  5. Have them guess which hand the coin is in - one hundred times.
He who predicts with one hundred percent accuracy has got to be a true prophet. No one is that lucky.

Even a wicked king has wealth, and maid servants, and musicians, and chariots, and grain silos, and merchant ships. But has he love? What good are riches and belongings if he has not love? The poorest of men may be the wealthiest if his heart is filled with love. But so what? A chicken salad sandwich tastes the same to them both. Who really cares, anyway?

Use emoticons sparingly. Most people are confused by them, especially the use of a happy poop face.

Lost Wisdom of Solomon